A Really Long Break...

Well, it's been a really long time since I've written on here! A LOT has happened since my last failed IUI cycle. We did go on to do IUI #5, only to have it cancelled because of early ovulation. I had THREE! haha yes three follicles on that cycle. So when I found out I ovulated early and missed having an IUI, I was crushed. I cried and cried because I felt like it was a wasted cycle. They still gave me progesterone to take "just in case" and told me to go home and BD (baby dance). Little did I know our little miracle was going to come from that. A day before I was going to fly back to the states and surprise my parents, I found out I was pregnant! It was a gorgeous line and I was so excited!

12 days past ovulation! Yay!!

First Ultrasound at 5 weeks

Second Ultrasound at 7 weeks

However, I went on to lose our miracle baby at 7 weeks. The baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, but it wasn't until the 9 week mark when I actually passed the baby. I was crushed. I felt like I lost my heart and it took me MONTHS to get back to feeling ok. It was the worst thing I think I've ever been through. We wanted this baby so badly! We loved our baby from the first realization that I was pregnant.

I lost the baby early April. It took a while to get my cycle regulated once again. Now it's August and I'm finishing my TWW (Two week wait) in a couple days. I don't want it to end in knowing it probably didn't work again. However if it did, then I want to know if it worked! We have our work cut out for us, I will probably be monitored closely when I do get pregnant again. I don't want to miscarry again (twice is enough for anyone).

Now we wait. Waiting is the hardest part of this whole journey! I feel like that's all I do. Thankfully I found my circle of support on Instagram and I don't know what I would do without those girls!!

Barely hanging on...

I feel like every time I blog it's always depressing and sad and I never have good news to share. Then again, it's the reason I am writing this blog. It's the real world of infertility struggles. It's not a pretty world; it's filled with emptiness, pain, tears, hurt and loneliness. I went to a good friend's baby shower today, it was rough, it took the rest of my strength it feels like. It's really bad today because TODAY I found out for sure our 4th IUI failed. I actually got a false positive on Thursday, I think this is why this hurts so much right now. I just been crying today and I want to crawl in a hole.

Where to go from here. We have had a total of 4 IUIs. Our IUI #2 was successful, however it ended in early miscarriage. The only reason we have gone this long in the IUI process is because I DID get pregnant on that 2nd try. We are going to go ahead and do one more IUI to make #5. However at this single moment I am wondering if we should do #5? Should we just stop and save the $6,000 to do IVF? Our IVF wouldn't happen until later this year, to give us ample time to save the money we need plus a little extra (something I have found - you always need extra). My selfish mind is saying I want to do one more IUI like we planned. Which is probably what we will do. ONE MORE.

<- I found this song today through a fellow infertility friend on my infertility Instagram account. It made me cry harder than I have been, but it fits. Sometimes I just need to be held. I know no one can comfort me, no one has words to really make me feel better (I don't think there are any).

I made a blanket and burp cloths for my friend for her baby shower gift (along with other clothes and chew toys - regardless of how much it hurts that I can't buy them for myself, I LOVE buying baby stuff). I was asked if I sell these. John is buying me a new sewing machine, so maybe! It may be something to keep me busy. I'll just need to find a good place to buy the fabric and be able to make a little money on them without charging a TON.

Goodbye 2012 - I won't miss you!

It's the new year already! 2012 brought many frustrating, sad, happy moments. I will not miss 2012. In 2012 we moved into our new house (which I'm still in love with), completed three IUI cycles, with the second one working - and to think I would be due in 4 weeks if it was successful to term! It saddens me to think of this, but honestly if I got anything from it, I got the fact I CAN get pregnant, IUI DOES work...

We took a break from an IUI cycle over the holidays. Partly because of stress, money and everything just going every which way. We should be starting our new IUI cycle in about 2-3 weeks from now. I have talked to the doc and we are going to discuss being more aggressive in injection treatment. Getting barely one good follicle is not going in my favor. Definitely needing something stronger that will grow more than one. Yes, growing more than one involves the risk of multiples...but hey! we are great with the prospect of twins!

Someone had posted this on one of my infertility groups. It's what I've been trying to put into words for a long time, since usually I mess it up and make mothers who didn't try for a baby feel awful like I'm calling them a bad mother. Which definitely is not the case. 

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother: There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful Mother!"

Failed.

As of this morning, our IUI failed. To think I was so hopeful it would work this time. This is a picture of my HARSH reality and the story of my infertile life. I'm just crawling in my dark hole for a little bit to recover. 

We will try again, after the holiday season. We have decided to try the IUI cycles maybe 2-3 more times before stopping to save up for IVF (which will take about a year or so to do). 

These constant let downs are rough. Some days I don't think I can even leave the house because there are babies EVERYWHERE. Nobody really knows the pain of infertility and the toll it takes on a person and a marriage. Not to say our marriage is suffering from it, I can just feel myself stopping to pull away from my husband. I make myself lean on him and tell him how I feel because if I don't, I'll end up shutting everyone out. My faith is constantly being shaken. It's hard to keep going and be strong through this. I have found a group of people who know what we are going through. The majority of people don't know and never will know how it feels to not get something as simple as a baby. Women are made to create babies, right? It's the one thing we are supposed to be able to do, but I can't...at least not yet. It shouldn't be this hard. Why can women/girls have babies that can't take care of them just pop them out and I am sitting here waiting with a stable and great family just waiting for our miracle. 

I know a lot of people just tell me to adopt. Do people really realize that adopting is more expensive than IVF? That and the fact of we really want at least one of our own.

...but, I will crawl out of my hole when I'm ready. 

Yellow light!

   I traveled back to Fukuoka yesterday only to get a yellow light and more injections and Femara. Of course I had to stop for my typical Starbucks :) People say I make any excused to get my Starbucks, but really? why not? lol it's right there!

   So tomorrow I take my 4th Follistim injection and continue taking more Femara to hopefully get those follicles growing! Only one was growing at the time at 10mm. They really need to be 22mm to be able to trigger for ovulation. Last IUI cycle (pregnancy) I had one at 19mm and one at 14mm, I really don't know if they grew anymore by the time I did ovulate, but I'm hoping to maybe get better than that! I go back on Saturday to see how things are progressing, I pray that we get good results and go on to do our IUI Monday or Tuesday!

   I had a rough day on the train ride back home though. Maybe it was the song playing on my iPod or just my crazy hormones starting to rage from all these injections and medications. I could barely hold back my tears and just begging God to give us this cycle and a healthy baby. It would be a perfect Christmas gift and all that I care about getting. I'm just tired of seeing pregnant person after pregnant person; this base is like a rabbits nest!

   I didn't post about this one thing someone said at dinner last week...which I need to get off my chest because it was probably one of the most hurtful things I've heard - regardless of the fact that it wasn't said directly at me or probably even meant to mean anything to me.

   This guy we've been friends with for a long time said at dinner out-in-town with about 4 couples, said that you can tell that all the guys here "like to hump" because all the kids here. My husband wasn't even there due to being on duty, but REALLY? I almost had to walk out to gather myself and recoup. It took all of my will power to hold back my tears. I realize he didn't mean it bad towards me and I don't expect everyone to cater to the fact that for FIVE years we have been trying unsuccessfully and just recently suffered a loss. I sometimes wish people would be a little more sensitive, it's not really a secret how bad we want kids or how hard we are trying. I know people don't understand what all goes on and fertility issues are just now a topic being discussed and openly talked about. I just felt so sad. The rest of the dinner I tried to focus on friends that were leaving and talk with them.

   Today has been a little better, trying to stay busy with my new class (last class made an A - go me! lol). It looks like this class will be a little more time consuming however, so I hope this takes my mind off my possible TWW (two week wait) here soon.

Finally! We can go again

It's been since JUNE!! JUNE!! Oy, seems like eternity.

I did get my HSG two weeks or so ago and it was THE worst HSG I have had! I was in so much pain. I couldn't move for a day and during the appointment, it was horrible. My previous two were somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing like this one was.

We had our first appointment for our third IUI yesterday. I am hopeful this one will work because our second IUI did result in a pregnancy. I pray this will be our final journey to have our healthy baby!

Next week is my second appointment to see how my follicles are growing with Femara. I will probably end up with injections again like last time because my follicles are stubborn!

It just feel good to have another chance at this, I just pray this will happen for us!

Cruel Reality

Well, not much has been going on in regards to getting a new IUI cycle. I should be getting an HSG either this week or beginning of next week. Then next cycle I can FINALLY get another IUI. It's been almost 4 months since my miscarriage, it seems like it's been forever.

Emotionally it's been rough lately because of not knowing if it'll ever really work. Everyone I know has kids (well...just about) or is pregnant. Yesterday I saw a pregnant girl (not married...) smoking and it literally sent me in a rage. All I wanted to do was yank that thing out of her mouth and beat the crap out of her. I had to hold back...and the sad thing is, I think the only thing that stopped me is the chance of John getting in trouble because of me doing that. I've been at the point where I keep wondering why I can't have a baby and everyone else on planet earth can...including the crap people who don't deserve to raise a baby (I know I don't have the right to judge, but some people are obviously not fit).

I just want to hurry and get to November...I'm finally just about done with dental school program (two more days!) and I'm starting a new school in November as well. I just want to be a mom.