Barely hanging on...

I feel like every time I blog it's always depressing and sad and I never have good news to share. Then again, it's the reason I am writing this blog. It's the real world of infertility struggles. It's not a pretty world; it's filled with emptiness, pain, tears, hurt and loneliness. I went to a good friend's baby shower today, it was rough, it took the rest of my strength it feels like. It's really bad today because TODAY I found out for sure our 4th IUI failed. I actually got a false positive on Thursday, I think this is why this hurts so much right now. I just been crying today and I want to crawl in a hole.

Where to go from here. We have had a total of 4 IUIs. Our IUI #2 was successful, however it ended in early miscarriage. The only reason we have gone this long in the IUI process is because I DID get pregnant on that 2nd try. We are going to go ahead and do one more IUI to make #5. However at this single moment I am wondering if we should do #5? Should we just stop and save the $6,000 to do IVF? Our IVF wouldn't happen until later this year, to give us ample time to save the money we need plus a little extra (something I have found - you always need extra). My selfish mind is saying I want to do one more IUI like we planned. Which is probably what we will do. ONE MORE.

<- I found this song today through a fellow infertility friend on my infertility Instagram account. It made me cry harder than I have been, but it fits. Sometimes I just need to be held. I know no one can comfort me, no one has words to really make me feel better (I don't think there are any).

I made a blanket and burp cloths for my friend for her baby shower gift (along with other clothes and chew toys - regardless of how much it hurts that I can't buy them for myself, I LOVE buying baby stuff). I was asked if I sell these. John is buying me a new sewing machine, so maybe! It may be something to keep me busy. I'll just need to find a good place to buy the fabric and be able to make a little money on them without charging a TON.