Failed.

As of this morning, our IUI failed. To think I was so hopeful it would work this time. This is a picture of my HARSH reality and the story of my infertile life. I'm just crawling in my dark hole for a little bit to recover. 

We will try again, after the holiday season. We have decided to try the IUI cycles maybe 2-3 more times before stopping to save up for IVF (which will take about a year or so to do). 

These constant let downs are rough. Some days I don't think I can even leave the house because there are babies EVERYWHERE. Nobody really knows the pain of infertility and the toll it takes on a person and a marriage. Not to say our marriage is suffering from it, I can just feel myself stopping to pull away from my husband. I make myself lean on him and tell him how I feel because if I don't, I'll end up shutting everyone out. My faith is constantly being shaken. It's hard to keep going and be strong through this. I have found a group of people who know what we are going through. The majority of people don't know and never will know how it feels to not get something as simple as a baby. Women are made to create babies, right? It's the one thing we are supposed to be able to do, but I can't...at least not yet. It shouldn't be this hard. Why can women/girls have babies that can't take care of them just pop them out and I am sitting here waiting with a stable and great family just waiting for our miracle. 

I know a lot of people just tell me to adopt. Do people really realize that adopting is more expensive than IVF? That and the fact of we really want at least one of our own.

...but, I will crawl out of my hole when I'm ready. 

Yellow light!

   I traveled back to Fukuoka yesterday only to get a yellow light and more injections and Femara. Of course I had to stop for my typical Starbucks :) People say I make any excused to get my Starbucks, but really? why not? lol it's right there!

   So tomorrow I take my 4th Follistim injection and continue taking more Femara to hopefully get those follicles growing! Only one was growing at the time at 10mm. They really need to be 22mm to be able to trigger for ovulation. Last IUI cycle (pregnancy) I had one at 19mm and one at 14mm, I really don't know if they grew anymore by the time I did ovulate, but I'm hoping to maybe get better than that! I go back on Saturday to see how things are progressing, I pray that we get good results and go on to do our IUI Monday or Tuesday!

   I had a rough day on the train ride back home though. Maybe it was the song playing on my iPod or just my crazy hormones starting to rage from all these injections and medications. I could barely hold back my tears and just begging God to give us this cycle and a healthy baby. It would be a perfect Christmas gift and all that I care about getting. I'm just tired of seeing pregnant person after pregnant person; this base is like a rabbits nest!

   I didn't post about this one thing someone said at dinner last week...which I need to get off my chest because it was probably one of the most hurtful things I've heard - regardless of the fact that it wasn't said directly at me or probably even meant to mean anything to me.

   This guy we've been friends with for a long time said at dinner out-in-town with about 4 couples, said that you can tell that all the guys here "like to hump" because all the kids here. My husband wasn't even there due to being on duty, but REALLY? I almost had to walk out to gather myself and recoup. It took all of my will power to hold back my tears. I realize he didn't mean it bad towards me and I don't expect everyone to cater to the fact that for FIVE years we have been trying unsuccessfully and just recently suffered a loss. I sometimes wish people would be a little more sensitive, it's not really a secret how bad we want kids or how hard we are trying. I know people don't understand what all goes on and fertility issues are just now a topic being discussed and openly talked about. I just felt so sad. The rest of the dinner I tried to focus on friends that were leaving and talk with them.

   Today has been a little better, trying to stay busy with my new class (last class made an A - go me! lol). It looks like this class will be a little more time consuming however, so I hope this takes my mind off my possible TWW (two week wait) here soon.

Finally! We can go again

It's been since JUNE!! JUNE!! Oy, seems like eternity.

I did get my HSG two weeks or so ago and it was THE worst HSG I have had! I was in so much pain. I couldn't move for a day and during the appointment, it was horrible. My previous two were somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing like this one was.

We had our first appointment for our third IUI yesterday. I am hopeful this one will work because our second IUI did result in a pregnancy. I pray this will be our final journey to have our healthy baby!

Next week is my second appointment to see how my follicles are growing with Femara. I will probably end up with injections again like last time because my follicles are stubborn!

It just feel good to have another chance at this, I just pray this will happen for us!

Cruel Reality

Well, not much has been going on in regards to getting a new IUI cycle. I should be getting an HSG either this week or beginning of next week. Then next cycle I can FINALLY get another IUI. It's been almost 4 months since my miscarriage, it seems like it's been forever.

Emotionally it's been rough lately because of not knowing if it'll ever really work. Everyone I know has kids (well...just about) or is pregnant. Yesterday I saw a pregnant girl (not married...) smoking and it literally sent me in a rage. All I wanted to do was yank that thing out of her mouth and beat the crap out of her. I had to hold back...and the sad thing is, I think the only thing that stopped me is the chance of John getting in trouble because of me doing that. I've been at the point where I keep wondering why I can't have a baby and everyone else on planet earth can...including the crap people who don't deserve to raise a baby (I know I don't have the right to judge, but some people are obviously not fit).

I just want to hurry and get to November...I'm finally just about done with dental school program (two more days!) and I'm starting a new school in November as well. I just want to be a mom.

Bit of an update

Well I haven't posted in about two months. Simply, because there's not much going on. We are still waiting to be able to start another IUI cycle, but are having some delays (go figure...my body is still wacked out!). I should be getting another HSG here soon to make sure my tubes are still clear after the miscarriage.

I am still spotting (yes...two months and still going), so I went to the doc today and he's a little worried about the pain in my left ovary when he puts pressure on it...possibly thinking either an ovarian cyst or maybe I'm finally ovulating regardless of still spotting. He also took more blood to run test for my thyroid and current levels. Hopefully my thyroid and pituitary gland is still doing their jobs.

So I will update again once something that allows profess to happen again.

Never Felt So Empty...

I have had the most exciting week of my life from June 1-8th. We finally had a successful IUI and were on our way to have our baby, which was due Feb 9, 2013. We didn't tell people because of a miscarry risk and the issue I have with maintaining a good progesterone level. I was put on progesterone and headed for a hopeful 9 month journey.

I started spotting Monday evening after I got off of my volunteer shift at dental. I was bawling, I think in my mind I knew something wasn't right. My doc assured me it doesn't automatically mean I'm losing my baby, just we need to wait it out. The next day I did get an ultrasound, but there wasn't a baby sac. I think at this point I was trying to be optimistic and know that it's really too early to see anything (considering I was only 5.4 weeks). I called my doc with an update and he suggested taking a pregnancy test again just to see if I was still ok and the pregnancy was good. I took one this morning and it was almost negative...the line was so faint and barely there. I can't explain the feeling of such failure and emptiness. I went in to get the blood work to see if it was positive still, however it did come back negative and I think I was expecting it to. I woke up this morning and I didn't feel pregnant, it felt like all hormones were just drained out of me.

They think it was a chemical pregnancy (an early miscarriage), which means the egg fertilized and it went where it was supposed to, just didn't properly attach. You still get all the hormones just like any pregnancy, just doesn't hang on at all.

I go back to the doc this afternoon to figure out where to go from here and figure out timelines for trying again. The ONLY consolation I have is, something worked, something gave us a possible pregnancy and we can get pregnant and now we know what it takes to hopefully get pregnant again soon.

I just can't knock this grief, the sadness and emptiness. I know this will take time and I will need time to morn.

We have discussed trying again, and possibly looking into another fertility clinic that's here in Sasebo locally. We love our clinic in Fukuoka, but we may try this new one just for convenience. To think I was cautious about getting excited about this baby...I just pray we are able to have our healthy baby soon.

Shoot 'em up

Well I had yet another appointment in Fukuoka today, to hopefully see more follicles. Yeah...that didn't happen. I had one that might have been 8mm, but nothing that is growing like it should have been. So I'm on my second round of Femara this cycle and also I had an injection to stimulate the follicle growth. I actually learned how to inject myself though, so I did that on myself today with the nurse (she was impressed with how well I did! haha). Monday I have to do another injection at home on my own. I'm really surprised these injections only costs me about 2,000yen (about $25) a piece, when in the states the same injection costs over $200! It's kind of frustrating that they didn't listen to me in the beginning when I told them I really need something else to boost the follicle growth hormone. Oh well, hopefully when I go back on Thursday there will be really good progress (and more than 1!).

I got my blood results back however, my glucose and insulin levels are normal, so they actually want me to stay off of Metformin. Which is weird because ever other doctor wants me on it for my PCOS. Who knows though, I'm just praying with everything I am that this cycle works and we finally get to start our family.

If this cycle doesn't work, then it's just a whole lot of saving for IVF! I really hope we don't have to go that far, I just hope and pray we are blessed with our baby without needing to go almost to the last option.

How much more can I take

Well I had my first doctor's appointment for our second IUI, which didn't go as well as I had hoped. Last month they took some blood work that I didn't have done at the base clinic. I got the results of the blood work and they weren't as good as they should have been. My AMH levels were three times the normal amount, my LH was too high and Testosterone was out of the normal range. Thankfully I don't have the sperm antibody (the condition that kills the sperm off). They have definitely confirmed I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) due to these levels and my ultrasound scans. By looking at me you would never know I have it, it's really frustrating because yes, my previous doc in CA found it first, but it feels like 5 years have been waisted with trying.

I go back into the doctors on Tuesday and I need to figure out the actual chance I have of getting pregnant with this. Usually people with PCOS wait years and years to get pregnant with no luck. They are going to be taking my glucose and insulin resistance levels to help figure out where to go with it or what do to next. I wonder if IUI will even be a good investment with trying it.  I just feel like it's never going to happen with all this against us. What is it going to take to get our dream of having kids? I can't help but think that I did something to deserve this, but I'm not a bad person and I haven't done any real horrible things in my life, yet these other people who really shouldn't be parents (not that I should really judge...) can pop out babies anytime they want. I'm just having a bad day with this, especially with finding out another friend is pregnant. I'm really happy for her, but at the same time it's really hard to deal with. There are times I feel like I'm alone in this, but I know there are others out there with the same problem. Ughhhhh

The heartbreak and trying again

I haven't posted for a while because we weren't sure where our journey was going to continue at. We knew there isn't an option to stop trying for our baby. We finally found a Japanese doctor here in Fukuoka that has been getting us starting on making new attempts at the possibility of achieving our dream of having children.

Early this month we had our first IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), it's not as far as IVF goes, which they don't fertilize an egg for you. Unfortunately it was a failure. It broke my heart, I think worse than any other negative pregnancy test I have had in the past 5 years. I guess I had more hope this would be our time? I didn't want to post about it before hand just in case it did work.

I don't know what I would do without my husband though. John has been my rock through this. With all the new medication I'm not exactly the most pleasant person to be around at times, but he's always there and helps me through the tears and letdowns of this journey. We are blessed at this point to be able to financially make these strides and have the opportunity to work towards something that will work for us. All the treatments here are a lot cheaper than the states.

We are on to try #2 hopefully beginning tomorrow or early next week. So prayers are needed that will will be our last and successful try. :)

My sister posted this article and I thought more people should be made aware of it.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html