I just want a slice of the pizza!

I need to share this quick, it'll be a short post though this time!

I was watching more "A Conception Story" and there's one episode where it's a finale and all the women get together. There was this one woman that hasn't gotten pregnant at all yet and she made an amazing analogy. She said, it's like we have a pizza on the table and all the women got a slice already and now are going for seconds and thirds, yet we are back here wanting our first slice and starving and they won't let us have a slice. It's pretty spot on and tells you exactly how it feels. Why can't I have a slice? I wish it was really possible for some nice woman to let me jump in line and grab a piece before all the other women get more helpings. lol

Mid Month

So I found a new series on TLC, well I guess it's not really "new" but it's new to me. It's called A Conception Story. Definitely emotional to watch, because most of the women are going through IVF. I hope I never have to get to that point however, time will tell. It's nice to see people going through the same issues I am, feeling alone and guilty for my husband because he's perfectly capable of giving me a child.

I'm to the point of horrendous hot flashes and tons of mini meal feasting in result of Clomid and Metformin. I feel like I am going to die over a heat stroke a good chunk of the day! But I am hopeful and I know it'll be worth it in the end. I haven't taken any ovulation predictor tests because my doc gave me a schedule rather than winging it based on a test. The schedule is working well so far. I wish I have been taking OPTs though, because I feel kind of lost in my cycle. I have been taking temps when I actually hear my alarm every morning, but I can't rely on them either. I cannot wait until next week when my husband's work shift is switched to day shift and I can get on a regular sleeping, eating and temping schedule.

Although I found out I am going for oral surgery the 7th of next month. Which I guess isn't horrible, but it'll damper our trying I think, depending on how I recover. I see the doc hopefully before then and I'll be able to test before surgery, so if God blesses us with a baby, then wisdom teeth will need to wait. I know my emotions are going crazy, I feel like I'm exhausted but I can't sleep and I'm half crying over little things. I still haven't heard anything from my last blood test result, so I'm anxious to hear about it.

Blood results

I just got a call from my OB on base here. Good news, my blood results are "perfect" as he says, I'm a perfect woman...well biologically. ;o) He is waiting on my "free testosterone" level however, which he says it will take two more weeks. He says my full testosterone level was elevated/high. Which the higher dose of Metformin and Clomid should help. He says there is no reason why I shouldn't get pregnant, eventually. Eventually?? Gah!

I'm going back to see him first week of December, to get the normal girlie stuff to get it all up to date and ready for going out to a fertility specialist. I stopped using ovulation predictors though...he said they are pretty much a waste of money. He gave us a pretty good "schedule" though to follow, which makes a lot more sense then the one I was following on my own. I also started my temps again, last time I took them they were haywire to say the least and didn't give me results I needed. So we shall see.

Another Start at This

Well, good news I guess...I finally got in to see the doc on base to get started on the fertility process again here in Japan. It seemed pretty straight forward and even learning some new things that I hadn't picked up in the last four years. He of course is running an entire battery of blood tests again, from the beginning. Which I'm not complaining, because what if things have changed? Or the other docs missed something important? He also is testing for more conditions also, which I'm happy about. He also increased my dose to 1700 mg of Metformin a day...wowza! And I'm back on Clomid (here come the hot flashes). The Met. is making me feel nauseous though and making me drop weight again. Which I'm complaining about, I just hope it's not too much, or I'll have to intake more calories per day.

So if everything with the blood work comes up as previous or nothing else can be explained, then my doc is going to refer me to a fertility specialist in Fukuoka to get an IUI. Which, I'm all for, in fact it seems fertility expenses are a lot cheaper here in Japan - so coming here might have been a plus for us right now. The doc says I'm still young (yes...I know), so not to jump into IVF until a couple rounds of IUIs come up with nothing. But, that's getting ahead of myself just yet.

The waiting game continues tho >_<

The beginning to now.

It's been over 4 years since the beginning.

I figure it's easier to write a blog and get my feelings out where no one is required or will see it unwillingly through Facebook. I have seen multiple people with blogs, so why not? There's a lot to cover for 4 years, but it's not real complicated. I'll get you in the loop, 4 years equals the length of time the hubby and I have been trying to conceive. Up until about 8 months ago we were flying blind in this whole conceiving thing. We didn't really get any successful help until about January of this year. They finally figured out I have PCOS, which isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't make things less complicated or less heartbreaking.

It's now to the point where I question signing on Facebook everyday because there's always a picture of a newborn or a post of progress in pregnancy; a good chunk of my friends just had a baby or is going to within the next 8-9 months. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them or telling them not to be proud and post pictures/status', it's just hard to see people get what I have been trying so hard to get. This makes me sound so selfish or ungrateful. Think as you will on that.

The thing that's the hardest is waiting. I know people say "just stop trying...it will happen". What you don't realize is, how hard it is to "give up" on something you've grown up wanting? The one thing in life that you looked forward to achieving? I can't just not want a baby anymore, no matter how heartbreaking it is every month.

I have also recently moved to Japan for a tour. Now, it's something I was game for and excited about. However, I'm not sure how it's going to dampen finding out exactly what we need to do, or if we need to do anything more than we are. I actually haven't really thought too much about conceiving the past two/three months. Yeah in the back of my mind I was hopeful, but with moving across the world, I just have had too much other things to think about and deal with.

It's always bad when I'm up late thinking...things like, well...blogs happen.