It's been over 4 years since the beginning.
I figure it's easier to write a blog and get my feelings out where no one is required or will see it unwillingly through Facebook. I have seen multiple people with blogs, so why not? There's a lot to cover for 4 years, but it's not real complicated. I'll get you in the loop, 4 years equals the length of time the hubby and I have been trying to conceive. Up until about 8 months ago we were flying blind in this whole conceiving thing. We didn't really get any successful help until about January of this year. They finally figured out I have PCOS, which isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't make things less complicated or less heartbreaking.
It's now to the point where I question signing on Facebook everyday because there's always a picture of a newborn or a post of progress in pregnancy; a good chunk of my friends just had a baby or is going to within the next 8-9 months. I'm not saying I'm not happy for them or telling them not to be proud and post pictures/status', it's just hard to see people get what I have been trying so hard to get. This makes me sound so selfish or ungrateful. Think as you will on that.
The thing that's the hardest is waiting. I know people say "just stop trying...it will happen". What you don't realize is, how hard it is to "give up" on something you've grown up wanting? The one thing in life that you looked forward to achieving? I can't just not want a baby anymore, no matter how heartbreaking it is every month.
I have also recently moved to Japan for a tour. Now, it's something I was game for and excited about. However, I'm not sure how it's going to dampen finding out exactly what we need to do, or if we need to do anything more than we are. I actually haven't really thought too much about conceiving the past two/three months. Yeah in the back of my mind I was hopeful, but with moving across the world, I just have had too much other things to think about and deal with.
It's always bad when I'm up late thinking...things like, well...blogs happen.
I totally understand where your coming from. I don't for one minute think of you as selfish or bitter either. It's hard and heartbreaking seeing peoples posts, no matter how much you want to be happy for them, deep down inside you struggle with it. I too didn't believe that "it will happen", but it did and it will for you too. I'm here if you need to talk or vent. Big hugs to you!
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